JOKES AND 1 LINERS

4 ruks a man must follow!!!!!!!!!!111

2009-07-22T01:55:00.000-07:00

Another good one!

It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans up and has a job.
It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

HILARIOUS

2009-04-05T00:49:00.000-07:00

Giving Up Wine
Error! Filename not specified.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' repli ed the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

I just know you're laughing!
You're gonna send it on - aren't you?

Dr.SANTA ANSWERS MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY

2009-04-03T18:58:00.000-07:00

Dr.SANTA ANSWERS MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh in medical school tryin' to become a doctor?

Needless to say he never made it. You know why?

These are some of the objective-types he answered in his exam...................
( last one's the best....)

************

Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost cat.
Chronic - neck of a crow.
Coma - punctuation mark.
Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.False labour pains- pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.
Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/ well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.
Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.
Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - in favour of teens.
Pulse - grain.
Pus - small cat. or.......something which I can't write..
Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - hiding anything.
Tablet - small table.
Ultrasound - radical noise.
Urine - opposite of you're out.
Varicose - very close
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.

WHY GOD AMDE MOMS?

2009-04-03T18:53:00.000-07:00

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from mens' bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3.. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2.. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between Moms & Dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue..

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING --
SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!

NIGHT CLASSSES

2009-03-31T15:48:00.000-07:00

During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:

Raman: Narain, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I
have
an exam next week.
Narayan: oh!

Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses
you
would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses,
you
would know this.

The next day, once again:

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you
would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is
Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?
Raman: No
Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night
courses,
you would know.

Laloo Got Job in Microsoft Corporation ( VERY FUNNY JOKE ) AND SMS

2009-03-31T15:28:00.000-07:00

Hum zindagi se aas kare bhi to kya kare,
Jab tum nahi ho paas, kare bhi to kya kare.
Aansu piye, sharaab piye, zeher bhi to pi liya,
Bujhti nahi hai pyaas, kare bhi to kya kare.

................................

Muskurate palko pe sanam chale aate hein,
Aap kya jaano kahan se hamare ghum aate hein,
Aaj bhi us mod par khade hein,
Jaha kisi ne kaha tha ke theron hum abhi aate hein.

................................

Thukra ke usne mujhko,
Kaha ki muskuraao!
Maine has diya,
Aakhir sawal uski khushi ka tha.
Maine khoya woh jo mera tha hi nahi,
Usne khoya wo jo sirf usi ka tha

................................

Is jahan me mohabbat kash na hoti,
To safar-e-zindagi me mithas na hoti!
Agar milti BEWAFA ko sazae maut,
To diwano ki kabre yu udas na hoti!!

Laloo got job in Microsoft Corporation

Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA.

A few days later he got this reply:

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,

You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence.

No phone call shall be entertained.

Thanks
Bill Gates.

Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply.

He arranged a press conference : "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai."

Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa ? Par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet -----aap to miltay hee naheen ho
Our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- AB Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
Shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Tohar Bilva.

Doori Ho To ahsaas hota hai,
Dost ke bina jivan kitna udas hota hai
Umar ho apki Sitaron jitani lambi,
Aisa dost kahan kisi ke pass hota hai

......................................

Aankhen apki ho, par ansu mere,
Zindagi apki ho, par sanse meri,
Dil apka ho, par dhadkan meri,
Zindagi ke ahkri modh par duaa hogi yehi,
Kafan apka ho, aur maut meri......

......................................

Tum dost ho mere sada k liye,
Main zinda hoon tumhaari wafa k liye,
Kar lena laakhon shikwa mujhse magar,
Na hona khafa khuda k liye.

......................................

You have known me in
Good and bad times ,
You have seen me
When i was happy and when i was sad,
You have watched me laugh and cry,
Thank you for believing in me,
For supporting me ,
And for always being there ,
Thank you for being
A PERFECT FRIEND.

HILARIOUS

2009-03-29T20:28:00.000-07:00

Subject: Hilariious!!

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite herwas smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
the smileturned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he
had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got
on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a
sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then
she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will
reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign

that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I
could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the
fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented
this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

JOKES

2009-03-25T05:17:00.000-07:00

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road "Why are doing that?" the lawyer asked.

"I don't have any money for food"'the man replied.

"Oh,then you must come with me"."But,Sir,I have a wife and five children."

"They are all welcom".

So the family got in the lawyer's car and he sped off towards his mansion. "you're so kind to help so many people"'the wife gushed during the journey.

"It's fine". said the lawyer. "I haven't cut my grass in weeks".

DEADLY SCRABBLE

2009-03-25T05:04:00.000-07:00

This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY :
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROO M

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH :
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

SLOT MACHINES :
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY :
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Boss Kidnapped

2009-03-24T01:04:00.000-07:00

Boss Kidnapped

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in
loud discussions during office time.....

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened
to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to
douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?

.

.

.

.

RHYMING COUPLETS

2009-03-24T01:03:00.000-07:00

Rhyming couplets

A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... But the least romantic second line.

Here are some of the entries they received.

*********

My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe "go to hell"

*********

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

*********

Oh loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face

*********

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not

*********

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face

*********

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

*********

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming

*********

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way

Prostitute Parrots

2009-03-21T21:46:00.000-07:00

Prostitute Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"'

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!"

INDIAN HUMOUR-HAVE A BREAK

2009-03-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

AN INTELLIGENT WIFE

2009-03-18T22:51:00.000-07:00

Subject: An intelligent wife !!!

An intelligent wife!!!

A man called home to his wife and said: "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is good opportunity for me to get that promotion. I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. His wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some bluegill and few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

You'll love the answer........

.....................

.....................

.......................

.......................

........................

.....................

.....................

.......................

.......................

........................

The wife replied, "I did.

They're in your fishing box..."!!!

LAUGHS

2009-03-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

bengali jokes
After all the Sardar jokes we had Mallu jokes. Now
it's the turn of the 'Bongs'!!!!

What do you call:

A mad Bengali? ---- In Sen.

A dark Bengali who lives in a cave? ---- Kalidas Guha.

A Bengali mobster? -----Rob in Ganguli.

A perfumed Bengali? ----Chandan Dass

A Bengali goldsmith? ---- Shonar Bongla.

What's bigger than the state of Bengal? --- The
Bay of Bengal.

An angry Bengali letter?--- Chitti-chitti Bong Bong.

A talkative Bengali?---Bulbul Chatterjee.
An outlawed Bengali? --- Kanoon Banerjee or Bonduk
> > Bannerjee.
> > >
An enlightened Bengali? ---- Jyoti Basu.
> > >
A stupid Bengali girl? --- Balika Buddhu.
A Bengali marriage? --- Bedding.
> What do you call a Bengali who takes bribe? --- Mr.
> Ghoosh.
> > >
> > > What does a ghati call a burping Bong? ----
> > Mukhopadhaya.
> > >
> > > How does the Bong learn the alphabet?----A for Orange,
> > B for Begetable....

How does a Bong relax in the evening? ---- He goes to
> the Howrah Brij to get some Breej.
> > >
What does a Bong with a broken heart say?--- "My
> > hurt is hearting"
And finally,
What do you call a Bengali who works? ---- A work of fiction.

THE BATHTUB TEST

2009-03-16T00:03:00.000-07:00

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the "Director how do
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

Brain ka opreation

2009-03-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

Brain ka opreation

Doctor patient k peche bhag raha tha.

Ek admi ne pocha kya hua?

Doctor: 4 baar aisa he hua hai sala brain ka opreation karwane aata hai aur baal katwa k chala jata hai.

..........................................

Ek sardar roz apne kitchen main jata, sugar box kholta aur band kar deta,

Why?

Because Dr. Ne jo kaha tha k apni sugar roz check karna.

..........................................

Sardar: yar kal main bathroom gaya to wahan sher tha,

2nd sardar: hain phir tum ne kya kiya?

1st: kuch nahi main ne sher se kaha aap kar lo meri to nikal gai hai.

..........................................

Pathan girl friend ko ghar le gaya,

Sab darwaze khirkiyan band kardin,

Parde gira diye light off kar k us k pass aya aur kaha : dekho humara watch main light jalta hai.

..........................................

A CUP OF TEA-JOKE

2009-03-10T15:25:00.000-07:00

Cup of tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea", which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!" My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Nothing in this world is IMPOSSIBLE as the word is "I M POSSIBLE".

................................................

Happiness is not something you find, It's something you create.

................................................

One thing you can learn by watching the clock is that it passes time by keeping its hands busy.

................................................

The heart is happiest when it beats for others.

................................................

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little "extra".

KAUN GADHA?

2009-03-07T04:49:00.000-08:00

Koun gadha ?

Ek baar sardar ji kahain jaa rahe tahe k ek diwar par padha "padhne wala gadha"

Sardar ko bohat ghussa aya, unhon ne mita kar likh diya! "likhne wala gadha"
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...

bHAO Bhao :P

Train mai ek husband apni wife say: "tujh say shadi kar k pachta raha hoon."

"dil karta hai tujhe kutttay k aagay daal doon"

Samnay wala passenger bola: "bhao bhao"
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...

999 Kaun hain? OMG
Wife mere iraday baray neek hain, aap 1000 mai ek hain.

Sardar: mera dimag bara taiz hai, pehlay ye bata baki 999 kon hai?
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...

Height Of Stupidity

Sardar looked himself in mirror and said:
Is ko kahain dekha hai. Then he said:

Oye yaad aya, ye to woh he kamina hai jo
Shaadi ki album main meri biwi k saath hai :p

2 Angels-Funny

2009-03-06T14:30:00.000-08:00

Two Prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00."

SARDR JOKES

2009-03-06T14:28:00.000-08:00

Sardar ki wife romantic mood main pooray bed pr bazu phaila kr lait k boli

“kuch samjhe”?

Sardar: Haan, kameeni.

Tu purey bed pr akeli sona chahti hai

Santa,banta dono bhai same class me they

Teacher: Tum dono ne father name alag kyu likha?

Brothers: Madam tusi Fir kahoge nakal maar li

A sardarji in library bangs a book and says: Too boring, too many characters and no story.

Librarian: so you are the one who took the phone directory away?

SARAR JOKES

2009-03-06T14:06:00.000-08:00

Sardar & his wife going 2 city in auto....
driver adjusted mirror..
sardarji shouted u r seeing my wife...
go & sit back i will drive the auto...

================================

1 SARDAR, PURI LIFE ONLY 1 THING SOCHTE SOCHTE MAR GAYA

KI MERE TO 2 BROTHERS HAI

PHIR MERI SISTER KE 3 BROTHERS KAISE

===============================

WHAT IS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN A SARDAR & A DONKEY

BOTH MOVES TOWARDS THE ROAD TRANSPORT AS THEY GROWN UP

========================================

SARDAR AAJ MAINE PAANI KO ULLU BANAYA
2ND SARDAR: wo kaise?
1ST SARDAR: aaj maine nahane k liye paani garm kiya aur thande se naha liya.

=========================================

Sardar declares:
. . . I will never marry in my life&. . .

. . . I'll give same advice to my children also. . . . .

=========================================

SARDAR talking on cell.
2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho.
1ST: biwi se.....
2ND: itne... pyar se....?
1ST: tumhari hai. . .

==========================================

SARDAR- yaar maine apni girl friend ko gift dena hai, kya dun ?
2ND- Gold ring de de
1ST- koi badi cheez bata
2ND - M.R.F ka tyre de de. .

==========================================

A donkey kicked sardar & ran away
sardar ran to catch the donkey.
He saw a zebra & started beating it
& said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.

==========================================

sardar: yar meri biwi pani se bohat darti hai,
friend: acha wo kaise?
Yar kal me ghar aya to wo bath tub mai bhi security guard k sath bethi thi.!!

======================================

Sardar: yaar meri biwi ghar chodkar bhag gai..
mona: tune use pyar se nahi rakha hoga,
sardar: nahi yar sagi behan se bhi badkar rakha tha..

=====================================

Yamraj took a sardar on tour to hell. There he saw gandhi dancing with Bipasha.
He asked:gandhi de saza ini mazedar kyon?
yamraj: saza ta Bipasha nu diti hai..

======================================

Sardar breaks an egg 2 make an omlet.
He finds d egg empty . . . Gets frustrated &

say's "iski maaki,aaj kal murgian bhi abortion karati hai!

=====================================

Lect: write a note on Gandhi jayanti..??

So..
santa writes "Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam i dont know who is Jayanti..

=========================================

Santa went to mysore palace.

Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair
Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up wen he comes.!!..

=============================================

Santa:banta yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai?
Banta: oye tenu eh v nhi pata Santa. dear jab auto main koi ganji ladki ja rahi ho to usse kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI.

=============================================

Santa: Agar tumhe kuch ho gaya to mein Pagal ho jaaunga.
Wife: Doosri shaadi to nahin karogey?
Santa: Pagal ka kya hai, kuch bhi kar sakta hai

=============================================

Banta: you cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio!

========================================

What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi.

=======================================

Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window?
A: He wanted to see butterfly!

=======================================

Santa was inserting dog's tail into pipe.
Banta: Oye, kutte ki dum kabhi seedhi nahi hoti.
Santa: Idiot, main to pipe bend kar raha hoon.

SANTA BANTA JOKES

2009-02-17T16:40:00.000-08:00

Teacher: what is d diffrence btween landline & mobile?

Santa again at his best: Landline ka number hum ungli se dial karte
hai or mobile ka anguthe se !

____________ _________ _________ _________

* Banta: Y did u buy ur wife a huge diamond ring for her B'day? I
thought she wanted a car.
Santa: She did, but where in the world was I going to find a fake car?

____________ _________ _________ _________

* Santa was riding on a horse. He jumped the red light & a cop whistles.

Santa lifts the tail of horse & says: 'Le Karle Number Note'

____________ _________ _________ _________

* Santa suffering from cold was shivering. His son called a doc.
Doc: wht happened?
Son: Bimari da ta pata nahun par baapu saver da VIBRATION mode te lagaya
hai .

____________ _________ _________ _________

* A man to Santa: Ur friend is kissing ur wife in ur home.
Santa rushes home and came back within half an hour n slapped the man n
said : He's not my friend.

____________ _________ _________ _________

* Santa goes to buy a underwear. On choosing one he asks: How much for
this?
Shopkeeper: Rs 500
Santa: Arey bhai daily waer dikhaao, Party wear nahin chahiye.

____________ _________ _________ _________

* Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child

____________ _________ _________ _________

* Gal to Banta: Kya shaadi k baad bi tum muje itna pyar karoge?
Banta: Kyon nahin? Mein to diwana hoon shadi-shuda aurton ka.

____________ _________ _________ _________

* While walking in the highlands Santa fell down a deep hole.
Banta: R u ok?
Santa: Yeah!
Banta: Did u break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here

Deadly PJ... (u will indeed want to die after reading it)

2009-02-15T18:31:00.000-08:00

Deadly PJ... (u will indeed want to die after reading it)

There was a pregnant lady...who was carrying a baby girl within her...

the baby girl was blessed..she could see what was going on outside..

she could also see her future...

one day, she saw a lady named Sapna driving a tata nano, Sapna was also

pregnant with a baby ..a boy..this boy was to become the baby girl's

boyfriend in the future...

what did the baby girl sing ???

socho socho ??

"nano me sapna..sapne mei sajna..sajnape dil aa gaya..ke sajna pe dil aa gaya.."

FOR MY GUJJU FRIENDS

2009-02-03T14:50:00.000-08:00

This is sp for my gujjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu friends.

Valentine = Velan Time
> > ?ago, in India, and to top it all, in Gujarat !!
> >
> >
> >
> > ?It is a well known fact that Gujarati men, specially the Patels,
> >
> >
> > ?continually mistreat and disrespect their wives (Patlanis). One fine
> >
> >
> > ?day, it happened to be the 14th day of February, one brave Patlani,
> >
> >
> > ?having had enough "torture" by her husband, finally chose to rebel by
> >
> >
> > ?beating him up with a Velan (rolling pin).
> >
> >
> >
> > ?Yes....the same Velan which she used daily, to make chapattis for
> >
> >
> > ?him....only this time, instead of the dough, it was the husband who was
> >
> >
> > ?flattened.
> >
> >
> >
> > ?This was a momentous occasion for all Gujarati women and a revolt soon
> >
> >
> > ?spread, like wild fire, with thousands of housewives beating up their
> >
> >
> > ?husbands with the Velan.
> >
> >
> >
> > ?There was an outburst of moaning "chapatti-ed" husbands all over Anand and
> >
> >
> > ?Amdavad. The Patel men-folk quickly learnt their lesson and started to
> >
> >
> > ?behave more respectfully with their Patlanis.
> >
> >
> >
> > ?Thereafter, on 14th February, every year, the womenfolk of Gujarat would
> >
> >
> > ?beat up their husbands, to commemorate that eventful day.The wives having
> >
> >
> > ?the satisfaction of beating up their husbands with the Velan and the men
> >
> >
> > ?having the supreme joy of submitting to the will of the women they loved.
> >
> >
> > ?Soon The Gujju men realised that in order to avoid this ordeal they need
> >
> >
> > ?to present gifts to their wives....they brought flowers and sweetmeats.
> >
> >
> > ?Hence the tradition began.
> >
> >
> >
> > ?As Gujarat fell under the influence of Western culture, that day was
> >
> >
> > ?called 'Velan time' day.
> >
> >
> >
> > ?The ritual soon spread to Britain and many other Western countries,
> >
> >
> > specifically, the catch words 'Velan time!'. Of course in their foreign
> >
> >
> > ?tongues, it was first anglisised to 'Velantime' and then to 'Valentine'.
> >
> >
> > ?And thereafter, 14th of February, came to be known as Valentine's Day! :))
> >
> >

Tooooooooooooooooooo funny.

2009-01-29T16:23:00.000-08:00

LEAVE APPLICATIONS-MURDER OF ENGLISH LANGUAGE

2009-01-29T15:00:00.000-08:00

See, how people write leave Applications. It's murder of English Language. But Too Funny.

Just Read It.

The Leave Applications

Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

This is from Oracle Bangalore : From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave."

From H.A.L. Administration Dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10-o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

An incident of a leave letter:

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

Covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."

Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

Letter writing:

"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both (!!)For the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

MOM'S ARE ALWAYS CLEVER-HUMOUR

2009-01-28T21:44:00.000-08:00

Humour For Today A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?' 'Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid. So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time? Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000' 'That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???' 'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!'

DONT ASK GRANDMA SILLY QUESTIONS

2009-01-28T14:53:00.000-08:00

Don't ask Grandma silly questions

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to
me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said:
"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the
electric chair."

Embarrasing ?????

2009-01-26T23:16:00.000-08:00

Embarrasing ?????

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the littl e girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

!
!
!
!
!
!
!

'Because you got an F in sex.'

SOME PRESENCE OF MIND

2009-01-24T21:34:00.000-08:00

Some presence of mind !!

A man boards a flight from Delhi to Mumbai and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a gorgeous woman boarding the plane.

He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold,she takes the seat right next to his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he asks 'Business trip or vacation?' She turns, smiles, and says, 'Business. I'm going to the annual Sexologists Convention.'

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him, and she's a sexologist! Struggling to contain his excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly asks, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she says, 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he says, swallowing hard. 'What m-m-m-myths are those?'

'Well,' she explains, 'one popular myth is that African men are the best endowed when, in fact, it's the Tamilian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, whereas actually it is the Bengali. However, we have found that the best
potential lover in all categories is the Sardar.'

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. 'I'm sorry,'
she says, 'I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!'

' Venkatraman !' the man blurts out. ' Venkatraman Mukherjee ! But all my
friends call me Joginder Singh !'*

WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT IN A DAY?

2009-01-24T13:54:00.000-08:00

Want to reduce weight in a day ?

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad for a new
gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on
the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They
lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes
the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"God, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time...
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door
when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign, "If I catch you, you're
mine."

--
Live Free, Die Well..........

SOME USEFUL FUNNY FACTS

2009-01-23T15:36:00.000-08:00

Some Useless Funny Facts

The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.'

The dollar symbol ($) is a U combined with an S (U.S.)

Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

The tune for the "A-B-C" song is the same as "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."

Des Moines has the highest per capita Jello consumption in the U.S.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Great Britain was the first county to issue postage stamps.
Hence, the postage stamps of Britain are the only stamps
in the world not to bear the name of the country of origin.

Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics,
only Greece and Australia have participated in every Games

JOKES

2009-01-16T19:45:00.000-08:00

Police arrested a drunkard & askd: Where r u going?

Man: I'm going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.

Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight?

Man: My wife...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Especially for Finance Guys!!!!!

MESSAGES

We believe that the best way to improve everyone's world is to help individuals to improve their own lives. As we improve our lives and help others on the way, the world naturally evolves.

Our inspirational dream is to inspire everyone to give more and get more from life, and we mean everyone. We have a big dream and place no limits on ourselves or others. Its our belief that sending positive mails creates positive difference inside us directly or indirectly, Its hum our tum beleif if one can take all the wisdom seriously he can shape entire destiny, can transform his world according to his wish.

WOMEN ARE ALWAYS CLEVER

2009-01-12T14:38:00.000-08:00

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator. "

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."

Man: "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

STOCK MARKET-LAUGH TILL YOU STILL CAN!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-08T23:39:00.000-08:00

Stock Market - Have a laugh while you still can.

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker . The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker ? A tie

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21. - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

STOCK MARKET-LAUGH TILL YOU STILL CAN!!!!!!!!

2009-01-08T23:32:00.002-08:00

STOCK MARKET-LAUGH TILL YOU STILL CAN!!!!!!!!

2009-01-08T23:32:00.001-08:00

Join Me: Enter Id and Press Enter

JOKES

2009-01-08T23:32:00.000-08:00

Man: Sir, my wife is missing.
Postman: Yeh post office hai, police station nahi.
Man: Kya karu? Kahan jau? Khushi ke maare
kuchh samajh me nahi aa raha.

********************
Meaning of Marriage for a woman: Sacrificing admiration
of many men for the criticism of one man!

View Raw Image">
View Raw Image">View Raw Image">

Mummy: Beta kyun ro rahe ho?
Beta: Papa ne mujhe kissi nahi di.
Mummy: Beta, aap ne papa ko tables nahi sunaye honge.
Beta: Kaam wali ko kaun se tables aate hein.

********************
Husband: Tumse Shaadi Karke Mujhe Ek Bahut Bada Faayda Hua Hai.
Wife: Woh Kya?
Husband: Mujhe Mere Gunaaho ki Saza Jeete-Jee Hi Mil Gayi!
View Raw Image">
Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either ur money or life... The wives want both!

********************
A man is the head of the family and the wife is the neck.
The neck turns the head exactly the way it wants.

View Raw Image">

A boy on Date With Gal in BMW.

Jaan ! Maine tumse ek baat chupaai hai ki I'm already married.
Girl: Oh GOD! Tumne To dara he dia, main Samjhi ye Car tumhari nahi.

********************
Men who don't understand women at all, by & large, fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands..

View Raw Image">

Excellence is an option that is renewable.

********************
Wife to her friend: My hubby bought me a Mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a gud mood, it turns Green & when Im in a bad mood,
it leaves a red mark on his forehead!

LET'S LAUGH

2009-01-08T15:34:00.000-08:00

Santa: Why are you heating the knife
Banta: To do suicide
Santa: But why are you heating it?
Banta: To prevent infection....

"Dad," said Fred to his father, a bank robber.
"I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow."
"OK, son," said his dad, "I'll get you the cash when the bank closes."

Two men were hunting when one of them saw a rabbit. â€œQuick,â€ said the first, â€œshoot it.â€ â€œI canâ€™t,â€ said the second. â€œMy gun isnâ€™t loaded.â€ â€œWell,â€ said the first,â€ you know that, and I know that, but the rabbit doesnâ€™t.â€ ....

The sheriff of a town was also a veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's

Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you?

Girlfriend: It is sufficient for me, but how will you survive?....

Please, ma'am! How do you spell ichael?"

The teacher was rather bewildered.

"Don't you mean Michael?" she asked.

"No, ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."

Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 100. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? ....

Patient: Tell me honestly, how am I?
Dentist: Your teeth are fine, but your gums will have to come out....

Santa: Why have you increased speed of the car?
Banta: The brake has failed. We should reach home before an accident takes place

Girl comes late to class.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Girl: A boy was following me, sir.

Teacher: So, what?

Girl: He was walking very slowly....

Gerald: "Have you ever come across a man who, at the slightest touch, causes a thrill and makes you tremble?"

Mabel: "Yes, the dentist" ....

A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me... I must be a god! ....

Commerce professor asks a student: What is the most important source of finance for starting a business?
Student: Father-in-law....

Blonde Wife

2009-01-04T15:29:00.000-08:00

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, boss never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

First girl was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with
her son and went to bed early.

Second girl was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

Third girl, a blonde, was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband with her lady boss in a romantic pose. Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the other two girls planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

THE FARMER AND HIS HORSE

2009-01-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

A salesman drove his car into a ditch in a rural area. Luckily, a farmer came to his aid with his big strong horse named “Buddy.” He hitched Buddy up to the car and shouted, “pull, Nellie, pull!”. Buddy did not move. Then the farmer shouted, “pull, Buster, pull!”. Again, Buddy just stood there. Next, the farmer ordered, “pull, Coco, pull!”. Still, Buddy didn't budge. Finally, the farmer shouted, “pull, Buddy, pull!”. This time, the big horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The salesman thanked the farmer and then asked, “Why did you call your horse by the wrong name three times?” The farmer grinned. “Buddy’s blind,” he answered. “If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try.”

Inspirational Wisdom Buddha (Part-04)

2008-12-24T13:55:00.000-08:00

OL' BLUE

2008-12-24T00:04:00.000-08:00

Subject: Ol' Blue

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?,' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?'

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer .....

A Diary of a Newlywed Wife

2008-12-15T16:59:00.000-08:00

Subject: A Diary of a Newlywed WIFE

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook
for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12
eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had
to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without
dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home
for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them,
I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before
steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't
say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare
ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I
hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my
salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so
the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.
I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients
in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have
been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home
again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress
it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never
noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little
cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he
started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his
work,or he wanted the chicken to dance.When I asked him what was wrong started to cry and yelled.......... "Why me? why me ?"
Hmmm...............It must be his job.

FUNNY QUOTES

2008-12-15T16:39:00.000-08:00

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.

Born free, taxed to death.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

I love being a writer.. what I can't stand is the paperwork.

A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

The cigarette does the smoking, you are just the sucker.

Someday is not a day of the week

Armless Girl Gets A Pilot License

2008-12-12T23:21:00.000-08:00

Jessica Cox, 25, a girl born without arms, stands inside an aircraft. The girl from Tucson, Arizona got the Sport Pilot certificate lately and became the first pilot licensed to fly using only her feet.

Jessica Cox of Tucson was born without arms, but that has only stopped her from doing one thing: using the word "can't."

Her latest flight into the seemingly impossible is becoming the first pilot licensed to fly using only her feet.

With one foot manning the controls and the other delicately guiding the steering column, Cox, 25, soared to achieve a Sport Pilot certificate. Her certificate qualifies her to fly a light-sport aircraft to altitudes of 10,000 feet.

"She's a good pilot. She's rock solid," said Parrish Traweek, 42, the flying instructor at San Manuel's Ray Blair Airport.

Parrish Traweek runs PC Aircraft Maintenance and Flight Services and has trained many pilots, some of whom didn't come close to Cox's abilities.

"When she came up here driving a car," Traweek recalled, "I knew she'd have no problem flying a plane."

Doctors never learned why she was born without arms, but she figured out early on that she didn't want to use prosthetic devices

POETRY-2 LINES

2008-12-12T16:26:00.000-08:00

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

Obama sing to Hillary

2008-12-10T23:07:00.000-08:00

Yashomati Yashomati maiya se bole Obama:

"Hillary kyun gori........... Mai kyun Kala"!

ï»¿

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN

2008-12-09T10:45:00.000-08:00

Never argue with a Woman One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, And begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Send this to four women who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you're intelligent

6 BEST SMART-ARSED ANSWERS OF THE YEAR

2008-12-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

6 BEST SMART-ARSED ANSWERS OF THE YEAR

6 BEST SMART-ARSED ANSWERS OF THE YEAR (in reverse order)

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2

A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, he?'

The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!'

JOKES

2008-12-07T00:57:00.000-08:00

Who

Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?

Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya

.................................................

Santa went2 c a gal 4 marrige
Parnts decided 2 let thm b alone 2 talk

Santa:Behanji aap kitne bhai-behan ho?
Gal:Pehle 3 the AB 4 HO GAYE

.................................................

Santa told Banta: "Yaar 1 ladki mujko Hans k dekh rahi hai"

Banta: "Dhyan se dekh..Hans k dekh rahi hai ya dekh k Hans rahi hai.!"

.................................................

Santa traveling 1st time in plane going to BOMBAY,
While landing, he shouted : "BOMBAY-BOMBAY",

Air hostess : " B-silent please ",
Santa said : " OMBAY - OMBAY .....!!!!!!!! "

Mr. Santa applying to a medical school

2008-12-06T02:11:00.000-08:00

Have you heard of Mr. Santa applying to a medical school to become
a doctor?

Needless to say he never made it. You know why?

These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - The study of the paintings.

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.

Caesarean section - a district in Rome.

Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.

Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.

Chronic - neck of a crow.

Coma - punctuation mark.

Cortisone - area around local court.

Cyst - short for sister.

. Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.

. Dislocation - in this place.

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.

Enema - not a friend.

Fake labour - pretending to work.

. Genes - blue denim.

Hernia - she is close by.

. Impotent - distinguished/ well known.

Labour pain - hurt at work.

Lactose - people without toes.

Lymph - walk unsteadily.

Microbes - small dressing gown.

Obesity - city of Obe.

. Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.

Proteins - in favour of teens.

Pulse - grain.

Pus - small cat.

Red blood count - Dracula.

Secretion - hiding anything.

Tablet - small table.

Ultrasound - radical noise.

Urine - opposite of you're out.

Varicose - very close.

ropose(sms shayari)

2008-12-06T01:44:00.000-08:00

Propose

Propose karne ka sher:

Kutta mar gaya rajaai mein,
Main paagal ho gaya teri judaai mein
Haathi nadi mein beh nahin sakta,Apun tere bina reh nahin sakta...

~~~~~~~~~

Tumsa koi doosra zameen par hua,
Toh Rab se shikayat hogi....

Ek toh jhella nahi jaata,
Doosra AA gaya to kya halat hogi!!!

~~~~~~~~~

Sharab sharir ko khatam karti hai
Sharab samaj ko khatam karti hai
Aao aaj is sharab ko khatam karte hai
Ek botal tum khatam karo ek hum khatam karte hai.

~~~~~~~~~

What is the diff. Between dava & daru?

Ans: Dava is like girlfriend that comes with expiry date.
Daru is like WIFE, jitni PURANI hogi UTNA sir CHAD ke bolegi...

Java Interview attended by our Banta Singh

2008-12-06T01:41:00.000-08:00

Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
A. Terms are different ... nothing more ]
******** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which methodology will follow ?
A. Send it through courier.
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA ?
A. As you wish , I do not have any objections.
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Non living things can't communicate.
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. What is meant by flickering ?
A. Closing and opening of eyes at girls.
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. What is the use of Servlets ?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. What is the dif ference between Process and Threads ?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. When is update method called ?
A. Who is update method?
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. What is JINI ?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. How will you call an Applet from a _Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. How you can know about drivers and database information ?
A. I will go and enquire in the bus depot.
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. What is serialization ?
A. Arranging one after the other from left to right.
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
**** * * * * * * * * * *
Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed , a binary tree will grow.
**** * * * * * * * * * *****
Q. What is the exact difference between Unicast and Multicast object ?
A. If in a society, if there is only one caste, then it is Unicast, else it is multicast

FUNNY SHAYRIS

2008-11-30T05:47:00.000-08:00

School Mein Ishq Ka Naya Mahool Tyar Ho Gaya,
Class Ki Teacher Ko Papu Se Pyar Ho Gaya.

Iss Baat Se Sari Class Ka Dil Udas Ho Gaya,
Sari Class Fail, Aur..... Papu Pass Ho Gaya....

**********

Dil ki baat dil mein mat rakhna,
Jo pasand ho usse ILU kehna.

Agar wo ghusse mein aa jaaey to darna mat ,
Raakhi nikalna aur kehna pyari behna milti rehna...

**********

UNKI GALI SE MERA JANAZA NIKLA
WO NA NIKLE JINKE LIYE JANAZA NIKLA,

UNKA GHAR AAYA TO MERE DOST SITI BAJANE LAGE,
RAKHKE MERA JANAZA KAMINE USKO PATANE LAGE....

**********

Tere gam me tadap kar mar jayenge,
Mar gaye to tera naam lejayenge...

Rishwat de ke tujhe bhi bulaenge,
Tum upar aaoge to saath baith ke Kurkure khaenge....

**********

Arz kiya hai!!!...Itne kamjor hue teri judai se...

Gaur farmaiye...Itne kamjor hue teri judai se...

Ki chinti bhi ab kheech le jaati hai charpai se....

**********

palkon pe apni bitaya hai tumhe,
Badi duao ke baad paaya hai tumhe,

Aasani se nahi mile ho tum
National zuological Park se churaya hai tumhe....!!!

SMALL JOKE

2008-11-30T05:33:00.000-08:00

1 Short Joke

An Elephant meets an Ant!!

On Introduction:

Ant : Haathi tumhari umar kitni hai?
Elephant: Paanch Saal !!!

Ant : Paanch Saal aur itnay bade !!!
Elephant: I AM A COMPLAN BOY .

Elephant: Cheetti tumhari umar kitni hai ?
Ant: Tees Saal.

Elephant: Tees Saal aur itni chhoti.

;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;

Ant: Haan ....
I AM A SANTOOR GIRL.... MERI TWACHA SEY MERI UMAR KA PATA HI NAHI CHALTA !

....................................

Jeevan ke Muskil Rasto pe kaun apka sath dega

Mummy Papa............... Nahi
Brother Sister..................Nahi
Friends.............................Nahi
Husband Lover................Nahi Nahi
.
.
.
Sirf or Sirf Apki "CHAPPAL"

....................................

Aap jaisa koi meri zindagi main aaye to baat banjaye,
Ap jaisa cute meri zindagi main aye to baat banjaye,
Aap jaisa sweet meri zindagi main aye to baaat ban jaye,
Aap jaisa bawkoof meri in jhoti baaton per yaqeen karay to pagal banjaye

TIME TO LAUGH

2008-11-26T07:28:00.000-08:00

Time to Laugh

A man ordered a soup in the restaurant but, as soon as the soup arrived, he had to go to the bathroom.

To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I HAVE SPIT IN THE SOUP".

Once he returned, he found a message on the same napkin: "ME, TOO".

...............................................

Son asks father diff btw Confidence and Confidential?
Dad says- u are my son, i am confident,
Ur friend is also my son that's Confidential.

...............................................

A pregnant lady goes to one swamiji.
The swami says when the baby get's delivered the baby's father will die!
The lady says "oh thank god, my husband is safe.."

...............................................

Heart beat are countless,
Spirits are ageless,
Dreams r endless,
Memories are timeless
And a friend like u is Useless.
Oops! Sorry Yaar, Priceless...

...............................................

Joke Of The Day

2008-11-26T04:50:00.001-08:00

View Raw Image">

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital .

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how

he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,

"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Joke Of The Day

2008-11-26T04:50:00.000-08:00

View Raw Image">

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital .

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how

he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,

"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Chacha ki kahani

2008-11-23T16:32:00.000-08:00

Chacha kaise ho ???

Chacha: ab kya batau....

Bada beta share broker hai...
Doosra beta Jet Airways me hai
Teesra wala is in banking
Chautha wala is in Software ...........

Aur sabse chhota beta PANWALA hai...

…… Bus Wohi ghar chala raha hai....

TIMES DO CHANGE

2008-11-23T16:05:00.000-08:00

See what happens when you are / are not, the President of the United States.

Hillary refuses to kiss Bill (ex-President) and kisses Obama…

That's life!!!!!!

Good One

2008-11-18T05:16:00.000-08:00

Be careful what you choose….
hear that line before……´Looks can be deceiving´

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
...
..
..
....
.....

...
.....
..
...
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

FUNNY 1 LINERS

2008-11-17T03:44:00.000-08:00

Funny One Liners:

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

.Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

HEHE,ANSWER THIS BOY!!!!!!!!!BALLE BALLE!!

2008-11-12T05:38:00.000-08:00

Choose differently today

2008-11-12T04:58:00.000-08:00

Choose differently today

"It is always your next move."

-- Napoleon Hill

The great benefit of heightened awareness is that we have more choice in how we live our lives. At any moment, we can purposefully choose a new experience for ourselves. We can choose to pay attention, breathe more deeply, laugh, rest, play, appreciate, do something different - the possibilities are endless.

Whenever you remember, TAKE YOURSELF OFF AUTO-PILOT and really examine your situation. Take charge and make a choice that will enrich your experience. At the end of the day, reflect on what happened and how you felt when you chose a new line of thought, feeling or action.

"We cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. But we can decide what happens in us -- how we can take it, what we do with it -- and that is what really counts in the end."

-- Joseph Fort Newton

"When a defining moment comes along, you can do one of two things. Define the moment, or let the moment define you."

-- Tin Cup (the movie)

"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

-- Neil Peart

Women's Favorite. E-mail of the Year!

2008-11-06T11:10:00.000-08:00

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,

Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 01P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,

Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,

breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids, And put them to bed.

At 09 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love,

which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -

'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'

This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!

PATEL JOKES

2008-11-01T08:47:00.000-07:00

Patel jokes...
Patel is a Gujju-bhai. Patel was bragging to his boss one day,' You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Patel how about Tom Cruise?'
'Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.' So Patel and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, 'Patel! Great to see you. You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!' Although impressed, Patel's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Patel that he thinks Patel's knowing Cruise was just lucky. 'No, no, just name anyone else,' Patel says.
'President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts.
'Yes,' Patel says, 'I know him, let's fly out to Washington.' And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Patel on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, 'Patel , what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'
Well, the boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Patel who again implores him to name anyone else.
'The Pope,' his boss replies.
'Sure!' says Patel . 'My folks use to live in Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time.'
So off they fly to Rome. Patel and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Patel says,'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.' And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Patel emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Patel returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Patel asks him, 'What happened?'
His boss looks up and says, 'I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, who's that man on the balcony with Patel?

A Patel walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks andneeds to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked ut very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Patel replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

WHY FEMALES--

2008-10-27T05:48:00.000-07:00

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12
Cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ' MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.